Category: Reflections

Searching for His Kingdom: At a Loss

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A couple of days ago, I logged into my Facebook account just to post some course information for my bible study page. I checked the news feed and there it was. One post after another indicating that my dear friend and classmate had passed away. I didn’t cry, but was clearly at a lost for words. I stood at the desk frozen, praying that everyone was mistaken or this was some sick April Fool’s joke long overdue. I took a few more minutes to read the comments under the posts he was tagged in. Knowing that he wasn’t one to frequent social media, anxiety built up in me. I couldn’t fathom the idea that he was gone. I just saw him less than two weeks prior. He was in my department setting up the newly installed computer to the printer. I was so overjoyed upon seeing him. We hugged and he spoke of all that he was doing and his future plans. I saw him a couple of days later posted as monitor during the lunch hour. Knowing that he is gone, I just replay those last moments in my head thinking, “was there something I missed? Was it in his voice? He didn’t look sick but, I don’t know…was he?”

I called a mutual friend with the news. She, along with I, was at a loss for words. We juggled with the “whats,” “whys,” and “hows” over the phone until her break ended, promising to meet up later on in the week. Since then, I gradually go on about the affairs of the day, minute by minute trying to fathom the idea that he is no longer here. I try to work on projects, but can’t pick up the pen to start. I made plans but can’t develop the energy to get up and start for the car. As I type this I am still unable to cry, or have sought closure in knowing how he passed. However, I have gnawed a stick of gum out of its flavor and shape in the process.

My dear friend Paul, as I quietly mourn your passing, I celebrate knowing that I got to see you one last time as I remember you to be; loving, smiling, and full of life. I miss you deeply!

Searching for His Kingdom: Harboring Unforgiveness

The holiday season is established as a time for giving, showing thanks, and spending quality time with our loved ones and distant family. Social media news feeds are flooded with posts relaying these messages, and with Christmas around the corner, radio stations flood the airways with songs praising the birth of the Messiah. Although I am for giving to others, showing thanks for all that I have, and praising the Lord, I am a little misconstrued knowing that these things that which we are to do everyday is honored by society quarterly, as a marketing strategy through man-made tradition.

As pastors and priests prepare sermons on the birth of Christ to suit the holiday, two weeks prior to Thanksgiving I decided to revisit the four gospels in my daily reading of the bible. (As of now I am three chapters into Luke). Everytime I read God’s word, I ask him to send forth the power of the Holy Spirit to intercede in my thoughts and provide me with understanding. One night while reading gospel of Mark, the Spirit moved. God spoke to me through the story about the fig tree. To read that story in its entirety visit the gospel of Mark, chapter 11, verses 12-14 & 20-25

In the long-short of it (the curse of the fig tree), Jesus and his disciples had just left Bethany at the Mount of Olives. In the distance Jesus spots a fig tree. He was hungry and decided to see if the tree had any fruit so that he could eat from it. As Jesus approached the tree, he saw that there was no fruit and he cursed it saying “May no one ever eat fruit from you again.” As Jesus and his disciples went on the next morning they saw that the tree had withered from the root.

Upon reading this story many years previous I thought, “why did Jesus curse the tree when it says that ‘it was not the season for figs?'” At this point of my faith, I thought of myself as that fig tree. Just as the tree was not producing fruit because it “wasn’t the right season” for figs, I was not producing spiritual fruit, or at least much as I should have, because of the unforgiveness I had been harboring. It’s like with shackles tied to your legs you adjust how you walk to accompany them instead of searching for the key to unhook them so you can get along better.

Just like trees were made to provide shade, oxygen, and food plentiful for the body, we have been made to be the fruit of support and light in eachother’s lives. Holding on to unforgiveness holds us back from being the strong, mighty fruitbearers we are called to be, although reaching the level of forgiveness of those who wronged us is a process that doesn’t happen overnight. It is a full blown praying and healing process I hope to get to later.

After reading this story, I thought of the “seasons” I have a credited for my stance in unforgiveness, unproduction of fruit, and those that walked away from me hungry because I couldn’t feed them. It was an eye opener to me that if the Lord sees that if I am not producing fruit for those who require it, there is no need for me in His kingdom, and His kingdom is where I want to be.

Searching for His Kingdom: Calling all Prodigal Children

During his ministry, Jesus spoke to people in parables. The book of Luke, chapter 15 includes three parables that illustrate the concept of lost & found. My personal favorite of these three is The Parable of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15:11-33). For the sake of time, I will be provide a quick synopsis, although I advise you to read this parable (along with the others) in its entirety on your own.

There was a man with two sons. The youngest of the two asked his father for his share of the family’s assets and departed from home, living recklessly. He eventually fell in complete destitute as a severe famine swept upon the land. After coming to his senses, he decided to return home to his father. When his father saw him approaching from afar, he (the father) ran to his son covering him in hugs and kisses. He called for his servents to adorn his son in the best linens and to slay the fatten calf and prepare it to celebrate his son’s homecoming.

The parable continues from there. However I conclude the summary here, to provide you with the following

The world has led us all astray. But despite the reckless things we have done or the scandalous life we have lived, there is celebration in our homecoming. Our heavenly Father is looking from afar anxiously waiting to cover us in hugs/kisses and throw a party in our honor. As it says in Luke 15:10

In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents

I know of this parable all too well, for I too am that young son who blindly stored his treasures on earth and is currently trying to find his way back home, from a lifestyle fueled by unrighteous anger, gluttony, and sloth. But more of that in the next entry where I will elaborate more on all that including what led to my time of absence

Be blessed

Searching for His Kingdom: Battle w/ Coveting and Comparison

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For the past couple of months, maybe for several weeks I have coordinated with a friend of mine to tag along with her to several festivals and events. She recently launched her own catering business and has been signing on as a food vendor. She invites me to tag along and collect videos/photos to help boost my business. Although I am always honored by her invitation, instead of rejoicing in spirit sometimes I am envious in the flesh.

Allow me to explain. My friend has a gift that is more marketable and in demand than mine, at least I believe, and that is food. Not only is food sustainable to life and easy to sale, she uses her gift to change lives and attitudes with her dishes.

My gift, on the other hand, is more difficult to market. I am very sentimental. So my business involves taking pictures and making them more relevant and accessible with the times by creating digital albums viewable by disk, phone, or email. I am no expert. I did not attend school or receive any special training for what I am doing. It is just a hobby of mine that I have shared among friends who have used my services. Plus, it is something that I love to do.

I get discouraged because I see my friend racking in all these opportunities with the, responses on her media page and vendor bookings. While on the flip side I am making conversation with those who are fascinated by what I am doing and declare that they need my business, but don’t reach out or answer when I call back. I try to remain faithful but cannot help to fall into that trap of comparison. That’s when envy rears its ugly head. I hate feeling that way, because she (my friend) has included me in all her successes as an opportunity to network. However, when it comes to follow-up, it appears as if those whom I have corresponded with are suddenly unreachable. I then start to doubt myself, lose interest in this venture, and distract myself with other things.

Since the beginning, my friend has always encouraged me to pray about everything, and I have, but my faith doesn’t level up. What makes things so supernatural is that every time I’d be in a study group, studying independently, or scrolling through the news feeds with my insecurities parading in the back, I would come across this verse:

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all things will be added to you Matthew 6:33-

After coming across this verse consecutively, I had no choice but to approach God in prayer. I asked Him to help me and reveal to me the areas in where I am deficient. My faith in God was limited and I started to doubt Him, and everything about myself in the things I am going through. I was still playing the comparison game, and I was losing.

While in church a while back, the pastor was addressing self defiance and referenced the Apostle Paul to the Church of Corinth:

For the body does not consist of one member but of many. If the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” that would not make it any less a part of the body. And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” that would not make it any less a part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would be the sense of hearing? If the whole body were an ear, where would be the sense of smell? But as it is, God arranged the members in the body, each one of them, as he chose. If all were a single member, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts, yet one body. -1 Corinthians 12:14-20-

I knew this verse because I used it in a talk a couple of months prior. Yet, here I am, an ear comparing myself to the eye. My behavior started to drive a wedge within my relationships with others.

The Ten Commandments are a list of laws God gave to Moses for the Israelites who recently left oppression in Egypt. It is pretty evident that my ongoing struggle is with that tenth commandment:

You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or his male servant, or his female servant, or his ox, or his donkey, or anything that is your neighbor’s. -Exodus 20:17-

My sin of coveting has blinded me faithfully. For a while I continued to feed more into sin by remaining stagnant, not taking time out with God and doing things according to my own will and conforming to the world instead of seeking God’s righteousness. I’ve lashed out and acted out of character because of it.

I make it a practice to talk pastor, ask for prayer from my accountability team, set time aside to read the word, and ask the Holy Spirit to intercede for me in everything. Although I have picked up these practices, there is still a long journey ahead.

<To be continued>