About a month ago, I attended a retreat with forty sisters from church. Although I have been on several retreats before, I was completely unprepared for what the Lord had in store for me that weekend.
Within a week, the roster reached full capacity with several women on the waiting list. I knew God would be all over this weekend and gleamed with excitement. All of my friends confirmed they were going, which excited me even more. I immediately thought of inviting a co-worker of mine who I had been ministering to. I filled her up with how great and transparent my friends are and all the fun we were going to have spending the weekend together. As soon as she agreed, I immediately signed her up and paid her fare.
On the day of the retreat, I received a text from my co-worker saying she was going to be late coming to camp because she had to pick up her children after work. She vaguely mentioned that her son was sick, and apologized because of “all the trouble” I went through to reserve her spot. I assured her that everything was fine and convinced her to stay home with her children and nurse her son. As much as I wanted us to experience the joy of God openly and freely outside of work, I understood her situation and knew that God would decide a better time for her. His timing is perfect. Little did I know that He had something special in store… …for me.
Like I said previously, I had been on retreats before with no phone, internet, television, or radio for 72-hours. “This isn’t my first rodeo…” I thought. Little did I know that it was that frame of thinking that brought me to the biggest realization of my spiritual journey.
When my friend and I arrived, our church Pastor, his wife, and his mother-in-law were there setting up. They informed us that the weather forecast projected a drop in temperature all weekend. I went back to my bunk to unpack my extra blanket, but it wasn’t there. I had left it folded on my bed along with the extra pillow. After a short mini temper. I sucked in some air, fixed up my face, and helped with the set up.
As other women arrived, everything in me wanted to run around the cabins to search for my friends and trample them with hugs and warm greetings. However, I spent time serving the ladies dinner; plus it was crazy freezing outside. After everyone had been served, I avoided dinner and went over to my cabin where we kept the hot drinks. It would have been simple to grab a plate and try to engage in the conversations that were happening within the cabins, but a funky feeling came over me. I was unaware of where it came from, probably from not having my blanket, but I kept myself in check by keeping busy refilling the coffee and kettles of hot water.
After everyone filled up on dinner, we had our first session out on the patio between the two cabins. After tidying up the kitchen of the water and coffee, I grabbed my coat and went to the patio, in complete agony that I had left my blanket. My frustration built when I noticed that all the chairs next to the ones my friends took were occupied. I took a seat in the second to last row, hoping to be close to the space heater…but someone had taken a seat on the floor right in front of it. My thoughts of keeping warm and toasty without having my blanket were distorted. (All love to the person who sat in front of the heater. She so happens to be one of my good friends!)
Looking back, I truly believe that God had a hand in all this. Everything from my coworker having to cancel, to me neglecting to pack my blanket, the drop in temperature… …everything was according to God’s plan to put me in a space where I had his full attention. Had my co-worker been able to come, I would have been more concerned for her than the message God had intended for me.
Cold and bundled, (at least most of us were bundled), we sat on the patio and listened as Mrs. Ellen, (the pastor’s mother-in-law), conducted the lesson. I destracted myself with thoughts of how better off I would be with my blanket. As the cold wind blew I turned my face against it, towards Ms. Ellen. As she gave her testimony, I focused on the following words God spoke to me through her “You are worthy of God’s love.” My face fell in my lap and I broke in tears (it wasn’t the first time, but the most impactful). Upon seeing Ms. Ellen, the enemy had me thinking that there was no way we could relate to each other due to shallow differences. But as God spoke through her, I recognized the enemy’s words for what they were, a lie.
I have heard several talks and many have brought me down, but this was different. This time, my mind wasn’t divided and I could fully comprehend what God was trying to reveal to me. After the session we were given some quiet time to journal and meditate on the lesson. I went on a marathon writing down everything that came to mind, whether it was scripture, something I recalled from the session, whatever it was I was writing it down. As quiet time came to an end, the chatter and laughter of women filled the cabins for dessert and hot cocoa. My friends were free and space was available, but I couldn’t join in the festivities. I felt this emotional weight straining my spirit, and there was only one person to speak about it, Ms. Ellen. My friends advised me to go with speak with her privately. So I did. I became vulnerable and cried more than I ever had my whole entire life. It felt great opening up to someone without being judged or my feelings dismiseed. She was so considerate, and gave stern suggestions on what to do stepping forward.
The way God used the weekend to make me vulnerable to Him has revealed things that I forgot about. As I designed the weekend my to bring a co-worker to Christ, God’s designed the weekend to do maintenance on our relationship.
I value the time I spent on the retreat, although I am still in a battle. I encounter attacks everyday. This is when fasting and adequate time with God proves convenient. I credit Him for placing people and content in my life at the right time to be of help to aid me. There is still a long journey ahead as I work out the kinks, but this time I am taking my Father with me.
Sincerely Marie: The Blog 